Rethinking Psychological Growth: Beyond Becoming the “Best Version” of Yourself
The notion of psychological growth and self-improvement is undeniably attractive. In therapy, we often love the idea of progress—moving away from outdated patterns, shedding unhelpful habits, and stepping toward an improved version of ourselves. It’s a comforting vision: I am changing for the better—maybe slowly, maybe with some hiccups—but nevertheless moving forward.
While I wouldn’t undermine the importance of progress, especially since we enter therapy for a reason (often a desire for change or dissatisfaction with the status quo), I’d suggest that the process of inner change is far less linear than we might imagine.
The possibly counterintuitive truth about inner change is that it requires acceptance of things as they are. This is different from problem-solving in the external world, where the straightforward scheme “I have a problem—I seek a solution—I find and apply it—problem solved!” can often work. In the realm of inner growth, however, this approach can end up intensifying the very issues we hope to resolve. Softening toward, and accepting, what we see as problems can actually dissolve them or even reveal these “problems” as valuable aspects of ourselves. A great deal of our suffering comes not from the issues themselves but from our attempts to avoid, fix, or brace against them.
This principle is recognized across various psychotherapy schools:
- Third-wave therapies like ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), MCT (Metacognitive Therapy), and other mindfulness-based approaches encourage patients to develop inner flexibility toward their symptoms. These methods build skills to observe thoughts and feelings in a detached way—without the urge to eliminate or avoid them.
- Psychodynamic therapy conceptualizes many problems as rigid defense mechanisms: in other words, as the result of repeated efforts to “fix” our inner experiences that, over time, have become calcified, inflexible and maladaptive.
- Existential psychotherapy encourages us to confront uncomfortable, often frightening aspects of the human condition—such as our search for meaning, loneliness, and mortality. These are seen not as problems to be solved but as natural facets of life to be embraced, ultimately leading to a fuller, richer existence.
- Somatic approaches address physical tension and constriction in the body, which are often physical manifestations of our attempts to hold back uncomfortable experiences. These therapies recognize that our bodies literally tense up to protect us from perceived threats, even if they stem from within.
The underlying idea here is that efforts to change or control ourselves can lead to resistance against the present moment. And resistance can block the natural alchemy of change that happens when we embrace and soften towards what is.
In therapy, then, it’s essential to avoid creating an idealized image of a “Better Self” we must strive toward. This imagined self, the one who has “overcome” all issues, can cast a shadow on our current experience of self, leaving us feeling inadequate, not yet “evolved,” “mature,” or “healthy” enough. We imagine that when we reach this perfected self, we’ll be serene, confident, whole, and untroubled by the pains we struggle with in the present. We strive toward this ideal and, in doing so, abandon ourselves when we most need our own compassion, softness, and acceptance.
So how do we approach this in therapy?
We move beyond the idea of linear growth. When we let go of the idea of self-improvement as a linear journey forward, new, gentler metaphors open up. Growth may be circular, more akin to seasons, the ebb and flow of the ocean, or the rhythms of night and day. These natural cycles don’t imply forward movement; they’re patterns of change that continually return to familiar states and embrace them. Without striving a tree brings forth new leaves in spring, a wave gently reshapes the shoreline, and each sunrise brings warmth. The changes in all these cycles are invisible to the observer, and yet next time you look –the tree is fully transformed. Perhaps the journey toward understanding ourselves is less about “becoming” something else and more about allowing who we are to unfold naturally, in all its imperfect beauty.