The art of hurting others

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By Debbie Quackenbush, Ph.D.
Senior Psychologist at the Little White House

Lest the title get you worked up, please know that this blog isn’t intended to encourage hurting others. Instead, it’s based on the premise that hurting others is a certainty in life. With that in mind, it’s a guide for how to do it gracefully and with care.

So to start: life is messy and full of suffering. For example, If we love, there is an inevitability that we will lose or be lost. To love others is to be vulnerable and risk pain. To love others is also to risk hurting them. We humans are imperfect and frequently have to make choices between two potentially hurtful actions. Hurting is part of the deal. Though some might think it is worse to be hurt by another, for the non-psychopathic amongst us, being the perpetrator of pain can be just as bad. Living with the guilt of having caused pain and suffering can be its own punishment.

This being said, there is a peace that can be found in learning how to hurt others gracefully. Hurting others gracefully isn’t about avoiding truth or sugarcoating reality—it’s about delivering honesty in a way that considers the other person’s feelings and dignity. It recognizes that truth, when shared thoughtfully, can serve growth, resolve conflicts, and foster trust, even if it initially causes discomfort.

This approach aligns with principles of emotional intelligence, framing difficult conversations as opportunities for connection rather than division. It’s rooted in compassion, humility, and patience, emphasizing that how we say things often matters more than what we say. Many times, when we cause hurt, it is not conscious or intentional. Because we are human, we make mistakes, especially when we speak without thinking. However, there might also be times when we are required, for the sake of honesty, to hurt someone more intentionally.
Examples of when you might need to hurt someone:

  1. Telling someone you are not or are no longer attracted to them
  2. Telling someone that they disappointed you
  3. Giving someone necessary, negative feedback as part of a job or role (i.e., if you are a teacher or a boss)

Some pointers about hurting others and maintaining a trusting relationship include:

  1. Take accountability.  You know that you hurt this person.  Take responsibility for it.  By acknowledging that you were the one who did this.  Wait to explain yourself and your intentions.  Explaining yourself can come later, after you are certain that the other person feels you understand the pain you caused.
  2. Validate their feelings of hurt.  Listen to their pain, and acknowledge it. Empathize. Do this prior to explaining yourself.

And of course there are many times when we cause hurt that is not conscious or intentional. In these cases, the pointers are nearly the same.

Causing hurt is part of life.  Becoming skillful at it can foster growth and can even deepen your intimate relationships, in the long run.